Soap is not a condiment
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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