i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
