I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
