Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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