Got a toothbrush?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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