YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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