I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
