if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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