I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
