I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
