Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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