my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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