Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can't talk, ducks in the car
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
