Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
