Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
