there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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