Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
