Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
