Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
