I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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