god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
