shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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