i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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