i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
