there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
