Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
