No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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