she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
