she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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