I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
