I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
