Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
