yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We just shotgunned beers for America
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
