No more Irish car bombs ever.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
