Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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