i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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