Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
