Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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