Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
