I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
