The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im six kinds of drunk right now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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