Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
