I wish you could order shots online.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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