If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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