I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
