the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
