and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
