My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
