she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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