you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
